The best way to protect your marriage is to do those things that help you to stay in love and to avoid anything that puts that love at risk. For this to happen, you must avoid nails in the road of matrimony. What are some nails that can deflate a marriage by allowing the romantic love to slowly leak out?
Constant Criticism
All criticism is not bad. Constructive criticism is often necessary and helpful for those who can receive it with the right spirit. The wise man said, “Iron sharpens iron; so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend” (Proverbs 27:17). Husbands and wives should learn how to take constructive criticism from each other with a good attitude. However, it is important to note the difference between constructive criticismand destructive criticism. The difference is seen in the attitude with which it is given. Constructive criticism is given kindly and with a genuine desire to help. Destructive criticism is criticism that is given constantly and out of a “critical” spirit. The person who is hypercritical is a fault-finder who ignores the good and overemphasizes the bad in others. In a marriage this destroys the feeling of oneness and makes it impossible to maintain romantic love.
Rampant Rage
Everyone gets mad sometimes. Even the best and most loving spouses get angry at each other once in a while. Anger itself is not sinful (Ephesians 4:26). However, a person that is either constantly mad or has a tendency to “blow up” has a problem that needs attention. In marriage short periods of anger are okay, as long as the issue causing the anger is addressed and solved, but relentless rage, accompanied by yelling, threats, or some type of abuse are unacceptable. Anger is a home wrecker that ruins everything good about a marriage. It ruins proper conversation. It ruins affection, and it ruins quality time spent together. Paul commands that we don’t allow feelings of anger to persist. If we do so, not only do we sin against God, but we will find ourselves in a punctured marriage that probably won’t endure the test of time.
Short-sighted Selfishness
All selfishness is short-sighted. You don’t have to look far in order to look at yourself. The Bible teaches us to look at others and see what we can do for them (Philippians 2:3-4). Here is a biblical principle that will greatly enhance and enrich any marriage. “…let each esteem other better than themselves.” The word “esteem” means “to consider.” A little consideration goes a long way in marriage. We must learn to be considerate of each other as husbands and wives. Here are some signs of selfishness in marriage.
- Thinking more about having your needs met than meeting those of your spouse.
- Always having to have your way.
- More interested in winning an argument than you are in trying to understand how your spouse feels about a point of dispute.
- Living with a “what’s in it for me” attitude.
Marriages cannot reach their full potential until we rid ourselves of the disease of self-centeredness. Dr. E. Stanley Jones, founder of the Christian Ashram, once said that “there can be no love between a husband and wife unless there is mutual self-surrender. Love simply cannot spring up without that self-surrender to each other. If either withholds the self, love cannot exist.”
Persistent Pettiness
Most marriages in trouble are plagued by persistent pettiness. It’s amazing to me what spouses fight over when their marriage is struggling. Arguments over toilet seats and toothpaste, snoring and sniffling, habits and hobbies all seem to be life-making issues. We all major in minors sometimes, but when this is a persistent pattern in a marriage, it wears on the relationship. Pettiness is not like someone taking a gun and shooting out your tire, causing immediate irreparable damage; it is more like the small hole caused by a nail. You might drive for several miles before the tire goes flat, but inevitably it will. Pettiness doesn’t usually cause divorce, but it allows the closeness and connection that is necessary to have a strong marriage to leak out. Ironically, the more this happens, the more the little things become big things that begin to threaten the longevity of the marriage.
The Clean Air Rule
What I mean by “air” is simply the atmosphere you create by acting and thinking properly. Good marriages have good atmospheres that can stand a little friction once in a while. Good marriages have an atmosphere of love, affection and comfort. The nails we have spoken of can poison the air, causing an atmosphere of resentment and hostility. The good news is that couples have the power to determine what the atmosphere of their marriage is. You can clean the air and keep it clean, but you must watch out for those nails.
Don