Several years ago, a woman by the name of Ayelet Waldman, wrote an essay in which she stated that she loved her husband more than her children.  The majority of women who read her essay, especially those who were mothers, voiced their strong disagreement with her.  Nevertheless, she stood her ground, making a very articulate and convincing argument concerning why wives should love their husbands more than their children.  As a result, she went on to become a very successful author.

While I agree with Mrs. Waldman’s overall assessment about husbands and wives loving each other more than anyone else, whenever I hear anyone making an argument about loving a spouse more than loving children, I know that there is at least a little misunderstanding about the nature of love.  The fact is, we love our spouses and our children differently.  Let’s consider the different kinds of love that we experience.

First, there is agape.  This is the highest of all kinds of love.  It is a term used to describe God Himself (1 John 4:8). This love does not demand reciprocation.  It is an unconditional love that God expects us to demonstrate to all,  even our enemies (Matthew 5:48).  This is a love that we have for both our children and our spouses equally, as well as for everyone else.  It is not demonstrated in degrees.

Next, there is phileo.  This word refers to brotherly love.  It is the word from which we get the English word Philadelphia.  In the New Testament, we are urged to possess this love (Romans 12:10; 1 Thessalonians 4:9; Hebrews 13:1).  Phileo is mostly used concerning the close bond that exists toward brethren in the faith.

We should have this kind of love for our spouses as well.  It demands the kindness and affection that lead to being close friends.  Your spouse should be the best friend you have.  On the other hand, phileo is never used in scripture to describe the relationship between parents and children.  Perhaps when children become adults, this love will exist, but not during their adolescence.  One problem parents sometimes have is trying to be friends with their children instead of the authority figure that they need to be in the home.

Then we have eros.  This refers to the love between men and women.  The word erotic is derived from this word.  This is a love that we have for our spouses and is a part of the “one flesh” relationship that we sustain with them.  Becoming one flesh within the confines of marriage is a special and unique relationship that we do not have with anyone except our spouse.  It is a part of what makes marriage more special than any other relationship that we sustain.  When thinking of the relationship that Christ has with His church, Paul, by inspiration, chose the marriage relationship with which to compare it.  It should go without saying that we do not eros our children.

Finally, there is stergein.  This love describes the love of family.  It is the natural affection between parents and children, brothers and sisters, etc.  This word only appears in the negative in the Bible (2 Timothy 3:3).  It best describes our relationship with our children, but it would not be inappropriate to use it concerning our spousal relationship since husbands and wives are the core of the family unit. 

So, when viewing love from this standpoint, one realizes that when it comes to loving our children and our spouses, it is not a matter of loving one more than the other, as much as it is loving them differently.  The argument could be made, however, for Mrs. Waldman ultimately being right in her assessment because we love our spouse in more ways than we do our children.  While we agape and stergein our children, we love our spouses with every kind of love.  In the original defense of her essay, Mrs. Waldman made an excellent point.  She warned mothers to do better at cultivating the relationship they have with their husbands because one day the children will be gone, and then it will be just the two of them.  The best thing that parents can do for their children is to love each other, giving them a home filled with peace and security.